Well, it looks like I’m back here again after a few months absence. Not necessary easy months where I didn’t need to write anything down though. Since my last journal entry I was struggling for things to write. I didn’t want to go over old stuff really.

 And so I start writing again, with a little reluctance but here. My thought processes are growing too much for me again and I need to offload some of them.

 Life has been interesting lately to say the least. I had approached and past six months on hrt, with mixed feelings. I was starting to become anxious about the physical changes that were happening, mainly breast development. I’m sure that this was mentioned in a previous journal entry. Some of the emotional changes were a bit difficult to cope with as well. I could not stop crying and it would often feel to the point of despair.

 I was finding it difficult to hide away all this whilst at the same time keeping up a front to the world. The breast development reminded me very clearly about when I was 12-13 and had started a bit of development then. It reminded me of the embarrassment and awkwardness. It also brought back painful memories. I was scared of reliving this over again.

 Life seemed to get a bit complicated while I was on holiday visiting a friend I’d not seen in 8 years. After only a couple of hours together it had felt like we’d never departed, and I started feeling really happy again. I visited Paris with my friend and later went back to her apartment for the latter half of the week in Nemours. I met Catherine’s housemate who was friendly.

 I have always longed to just feel male, and comfortable in my own skin. I found that being around my friend, Catherine, made me feel happy in my own skin. She made me feel good about myself. We chatted every evening about life, feelings and emotions and it was really cool. It felt good to be able to do this with someone. Catherine has always known me as a guy and we were able to talk deeply and be ourselves more or less without worrying.

Being around Catherine made it much easier to be male, and it was so fresh to be able to express more of who I am inside. Towards the end of the week I came to the conclusion that I didn’t need to transform my outwardly appearance to feel comfortable and happy. I just needed to be around people like Catherine. One other thing that has an influence on my decision to stop taking HRT was the feeling I got being with these two girls in the apartment. Watching and listening to them I thought that I couldn’t lead a similar type of life. I felt different to these girls. I felt like an outsider. My conclusion from this was that I was male. And in some funny turn of events this came as some kind of relief because it felt like no more hard work in life.

 A couple of times I tried to tell Catherine I had serious gender issues. I got some way in telling her that I always felt my personality was more similar to female personality type and that can cause issues for me sometimes. I also said that I felt more comfortable in female company rather than male company. Catherine took this on board so well but didn’t delve deeper into the conversation.

 I had also developed a really confusing type of crush on Catherine as well during my time in France. I just love everything about her and totally dote on her. I played with the idea of being an item with Catherine but it just didn’t seem to work out in my head. I wanted to be around Catherine all the time from then on.

Occasionally we talked about intimacy in relationships and I told her how I was finding it hard to work out what I wanted from a relationship. I know I’ve not had much sexual experience in my life and this makes me wonder why I am reluctant to want physical contact with a woman or even a man. I told Catherine that I was being a slightly asexual at the moment because I was disillusioned with sex. This was only partly true but felt like the best way to describe my issues. I told her that I had never found sex special and always wanted it to be. She told me that I was unlucky with that. I also told her that I struggled with sexual desire if I wasn’t sure whether I was in true love.

And so I stopped taking my HRT and it didn’t feel so bad. I cried and cried when I came back to England missing Catherine. I realised how much I needed to be around Catherine. I realised after all these years she is my best friend I’ve ever had. This realisation made me sad to be apart from her. She flew back to Canada the next week.

 t’s been over a month since I stopped HRT and a few things are changing. I started getting sexual desires that seem to feel beyond my control. I can only describe these desires as belonging to someone else. I feel like a puppet to these chemical urges. I also seem to feel like I’m losing control of my body again. It feels like a fight against the male hormones that I can’t win. So, now it is a conflict again for some reason and I don’t understand why. Maybe the affects of the male hormones conflict with my true personality.

My interest in females changed considerably as well. I found myself looking at girls in the street unconsciously. Again there seems to be no sexual desire towards these girls but I’m attracted to them. It’s a very confusing situation.

I looked in the mirror a few days ago and was sad what I saw. I am not sure whether my face can change back in such a short time but the face staring back at me didn’t look right. There seems to be masculinity coming back to my face and this terrifies and saddens me. It also feels horrible. My facial hair although sparser because of the IPL also started to grow faster and that saddened me again. Even though I’m unsure where my path leads in life I feel like I’m losing my body again.

 I decided to finish seeing my counsellor immediately after coming back from France. It was apparent I was riding on a wave of happiness. I was also reluctant to go back because I felt awkward that I had been seeing my counsellor for a whole year. Now, I’m lost without someone to talk to again. I thought about going back to see the Gender Counsellor and this might be the best bet.

 I don’t know why I have to be so unsure about who I am. I wish this wasn’t the case. I wish I felt the freedom and was brave enough to just try all sort of things to find out. Well, I only see this as the way to find out who I am so this will be the way. I'm  also trying to fight the desire to start HRT again...

I have to talk to Catherine again and tell her as much as I physically can about what has been going on in my life. I know she will understand and she will be there for me. It was funny when I came back to England when I first talked to Catherine on Skype. Soon I plan to leave my job, move back to home for a bit, and start a new type of career; dietetics. I was planning to tell Catherine this and told her that I needed a major change in life, and her response was to ask me whether that was a sex change! Need I say any more?

 


Well, i guess this one is done now. I thought it would change quite a bit since i last posted a pic of it (a whole month ago! Goodness i work slowly), but it was a lot of futzing about, softening this, fiddling with that. I feel like banning myself from working with size 0 and smaller brushes for a while!
Still unsure if i like it, but then i rarely am at this stage of a painting. I'm exausted from looking at it more than anything.

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1. One who attempts to suppress science to support his or her religious beliefs.
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